It started with anxiety. I didn’t know it then, but I do it now.
My eldest daughter, an former independent child who rose, dressed and put himself on the bus, slowly started to count on me for more and more.
College, a difficult period for many children, was impossible for him. The problems were exasperating. She had a hard time finding her place in a world full of hormones and flying friendships. I did not know how to help or repair it, so instead, I did things for her. I brought her meals. I intervened to appease and simplify. I changed because I thought it would make things easier. I did more for her than I should have. If she asked, I answered, pulling the time of my other children and myself.
I was disappointed to see that it made him the things more difficult.
I had to step back
The lessons she should have applied were put off because I would intervene and save the day. I assumed that parenting meant the fixation. “Finally,” told me my daughter starting her last year, “you’re going to have to leave or swim.” I knew she was right. I fell back and took a deep inspiration by fighting his own battles and I tried to resume independence that I had not seen for years. It was not easy to look at her sometimes, but I understood that I had to do it.
When her sister started to go through her own difficulties against anxiety when entering college, I had trouble not intervening. Part of the parenting is to learn errors. So I had to have an honest conversation with myself. I needed to do things differently. Repair everything had not helped with my eldest daughter. Instead, it made her count too strongly. He created an impotence learned.
As a teacher, my goal is to teach children to be independent
My day work as a special education teacher helped me better understand children to be independent. This is the purpose of everything I do as a teacher. I teach them the skills they need to navigate the world independently. This is what I wanted to have done with my eldest daughter. This is what I knew that I had to do differently for my youngest girl.
I have often told my students that we continue to learn throughout our lives. Learning is a process that never stops. This is particularly true in parenting. I thought about how I would change the way I answered my daughter, especially when she experienced extreme anxiety.
Although it would have been easier in many cases to intervene and take over or repair things, that would teach him anything other than how to depend on me instead of depending on herself. Instead of repairing as I did with my elder, I teach. She learns to deal with stress by determining first what causes it, then finding strategies to repair it. We offer solutions that she can do for the moment or understand how they worked or have not worked for her after the fact.
I focus on problem solving
She recently laundered. Instead of putting it away, she threw him on her bed. Then she threw it on the ground and did not pay attention to separating it from its dirty laundry. We have understood that the fix (throwing the laundry on its floor because it was tired) created more work for it later and caused stress. To move forward, it must either store the laundry and let itself be enough time or place it in a separate basket for clean clothes. I learned that teaching its problem solving, the prioritization of tasks and determining what works and what will not help it to repair things for itself.
I also apply this to school and friendships. I do not intervene and I do not contact teachers. Instead, my daughter makes her way through missed duties and questions about tests. My daughter reaches out to teachers and requests help or clarifications. She does the same with the friendships trying to work on things by communicating.
I am proud of the skills she learns when she heads for high school. As a past coddler, it is sometimes difficult to not only dive and repair everything. What stops me is knowing that I create more problems by doing this. To create and promote the independence she will need to go from high school and college in the real world, I must encourage and allow her to learn the skills she will need to make difficult decisions and survive disappointment.
The thing about parenting is that it is not only a question of protecting and comforting; It is also a question of taking a step back and letting children do things for themselves. It is one of the most difficult and most necessary parts of parenting.
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