Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai replaces Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she is on parental leave. Submit your questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I am recovering from a short but serious illness. In three months of illness, I went from a BMI of 29 to a BMI of 20. It was horrible and I’m so happy to be recovered, although I’m still weaker than I’d like to be. I used to be very athletic and active, and now I can barely lift weights or run more than two miles. I’m working with my doctor to regain the muscle I lost and try to avoid gaining fat, but I know statistically it’s going to be very difficult.
The problem is my friends, my family, my colleagues and even strangers. Only the most awkward people have commented on this, but the difference in how people treat me now that I’m a conventionally attractive weight is stark and painful.
A guy I had a crush on in college who once told me he wasn’t attracted to me asked me out when I saw him at an event. Bartenders suddenly notice me even though I was invisible before. Store salespeople are everywhere to help me try on clothes. My boss’s boss, who is notoriously difficult to please, stopped by my office to congratulate me on being “more attentive to details and more disciplined at work starting in October.” October was when I was sickest, bouncing between work and emergencies, and my weight dropped the most. People are generally friendlier, and even my sister recently told me that even though the hospital sucked, “at least you lost weight.” I’m so sad and feel like all these people I thought I knew were judging my body all the time. And being in public is painful, knowing that strangers seem to act accordingly as well. I want to wear a giant winter coat and remain invisible to everyone. How can I handle this?
—Suddenly thin
Dear Suddenly,
People are so weird about their own bodies, and they take that weirdness and pass it on to others so they can feel a little better about it. How disturbing it must be to observe people in your direct orbit making their own bodily issues so obvious through their reaction to your drastic physical change. My advice would be to call out a few of these people on their weirdness, because just swallowing it will make you feel resentful and angry. If someone makes a comment about how much you have “changed,” calmly ask them to elaborate. When your sister seems to confuse a hospital stay with a weight loss program, reprimand her. Resign yourself a little to the incredible superficiality of the general population and take careful note of who in your life shows genuine concern for your health and recovery. Stay closer to those and perfect a scathing look to deal with the rest.
—Delia
Classic Prudie
I recently discovered that my ex-fiancé wrote an autobiography – in fact, it’s actually a collection of stories, poems and random thoughts. It is self-published and sold on Amazon. In one of his stories he states that his previous relationship before meeting his wife was toxic and that girl (me) didn’t like everything that made him, him.
