My husband and I met in 2014 and got married in June 2016. It was a rocky marriage, filled with ups and downs like any typical relationship. We left the nest (I have an adult son from my first marriage), travel whenever we want, and enjoy fabulous meals and art along the way.
We have always been adventurous and open-minded. Over a year ago, we decided to open our marriage to the possibility of a polyamorous relationship. We did not make this decision lightly after having many conversations about our feelings, fears, and expectations. We spent a lot of time setting boundaries and rules that we both agreed were absolutely necessary for a healthy polyamorous relationship.
This process was crucial and involved a lot of compromise and understanding. Once we were on the same page, we took the plunge. Committing to the world of polyamorous dating was nerve-wracking, but we were excited to see where it would take us.
We finally met someone 16 years younger than us.
At first, dating a threesome was easy
Eventually we met a lovely woman who interested us both and felt the same way about us. That’s how our love story began. She was in her twenties and we were 45.
Like the beginning of any relationship, we started dating, sometimes as a trio (a term used to refer to three people in a relationship) and other times one-on-one. We wanted to make sure we had enough opportunities to get to know each other together and individually. We wanted the dynamic to work for all of us.
We honestly thought that accepting our ethically non-monogamous relationship (ENM) would be the biggest hurdle we would face. Boy, were we wrong. Living in a more accepting city, heads rarely turned when it was obvious we were all on dates. Luckily, our friends and strangers didn’t care at all. They just wanted us to be happy.
We were all very determined to make this relationship work, and as we slowly fell in love with each other, I found joy in seeing my husband so happy to cook for me and our girlfriend. He was equally delighted to see me finally accepting my bisexuality after years of repression.
We encountered problems with our schedule
But it became apparent early on that our schedules didn’t always align. My husband and I worked more traditional Monday through Friday daytime hours. Our girlfriend worked mostly evenings and weekends. My husband and I both care for our elderly mothers, maintain a home, balance travel schedules, and are responsible pet owners. So it was hard to find time to be together in the traditional sense.
We soon realized that our 16-year age difference was also a problem. She always wanted to stay out late midweek. On a school night? I don’t think so! We usually went to bed around 10pm, because waking up at 6am would be a rude awakening.
For this to work, we had to come to the table and prioritize. We all care deeply about each other, but if one party doesn’t manage their time in a way that works for us, we fear that resentment will develop, and that’s what happened.
We all wanted her to live a carefree life. Besides, we had been there before and if we could join her, we would. She was younger, had no children and deserved to be free of our worries.
However, the lack of trust manifested itself, so we ended our trio.
We do not regret having started this relationship.
As with any new relationship, we had in-depth conversations to resolve our conflicts, being clear and concise in our expectations. We found that open and honest communication was essential to resolving issues and maintaining trust. It worked for several months. Until it didn’t.
Despite our best efforts and deep affection, we have realized that sometimes things just don’t line up.
It’s part of life and it doesn’t mean it can’t work in the future. It’s a lesson we’ve learned and it’s part of our ENM journey.
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