“Your husband does what?!” I’ve heard this question so many times over the 10 years my husband, Ian, has flown every week from our home in Minneapolis to his job in New York.
It was 2010 when Ian was offered a dream job in New York as Head of Content at The Mill, a world-renowned visual effects company. The timing was terrible.
We had just moved from Los Angeles to Minneapolis and were settling into the house we had purchased there. Our children were one and three years old. I was rebuilding my private therapy practice from the ground up.
Now is not the ideal time to move to one of the most expensive cities in the country, especially with the economy in turmoil. We didn’t feel comfortable uprooting our lives.
When Ian asked to commute back and forth every week, his new employer agreed and we joined the ranks of super commuter couples around the world.
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Here’s how we made it work.
We have become pros at flights and rentals
Because Ian chose to do extensive travel, we were responsible for flights and accommodation.
I’ve become extremely good at finding the best deals on flights, using the right credit cards to book, maximizing airline status, and accumulating and redeeming miles. Perks included access to airport lounges – important when flight delays forced Ian to take meetings while he waited – and lots of free flights on our family vacations.
We decided it would be more economical to rent small studios or rooms for Ian to stay in for the week instead of booking hotels. During this 10-year period, he lived in seven different apartments in Brooklyn and Manhattan.
Ian posted photos and artwork on the walls of the New York apartments he stayed in during the week while commuting from Minneapolis.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
I did the legwork to see how close they were to the subway stations and if there were any late night dining options for the days he worked until 9 p.m. We balanced costs with safety and distance from work, and we were lucky to find places that cost, if I remember correctly, around $1,500 a month or less.
With more cohesive spaces, Ian didn’t have to live out of a suitcase and could decorate with memorabilia from his home.
We prioritized communication and quality time
When I interviewed people for my book “Super Commuter Couples: Staying Together When a Job Keeps You Apart,” many shared that others judged their relationships because they spent a lot of time apart.
But proximity is no guarantee of commitment. I’ve learned from experience that time together is about quality rather than quantity – and time apart can work if you communicate openly and regularly.
Ian and I prioritized date nights and annual weekend getaways. When we were apart, we would record ourselves at the start of a call: “How are you? Is this a good time to talk?” Because our days were busy, we started sending each other quick texts to say hello rather than always trying to have in-depth phone calls.
We looked at little rituals and traditions with the children
For a while, Ian would make himself a PB&J on Sunday nights for his Monday trips, and it became a tradition for the kids to help him, decorating the package with stickers or notes.
We often had pizza and movie nights on Fridays to celebrate being back together for the weekend.
“I’ve learned from experience that time together is about quality rather than quantity,” says Megan, pictured here with Ian in 2012, just a few years into their life as a super-commuting couple.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
When the children were little, I printed calendars for them. I would draw a plane on the days Ian went home and mark other fun things we did while he was away, like a tree on a day we went to the park. The children had a better sense of time as they crossed the days of the calendar to count down to Ian’s return.
Ian also sent us postcards made from photos he took while he was away. The little things add up.
We made sure to take a family vacation
Given Minnesota’s cold and snow, our winter getaway was often a family cruise. There was all kinds of entertainment, no cooking or meal planning to think about, and a kids’ playroom if Ian and I wanted to dine alone.
More importantly, onboard Wi-Fi was so expensive at the time that we didn’t buy it and Ian couldn’t work. It was a real vacation for all of us, an opportunity to relax and have fun together.
The kids and I visited Ian in New York once a year
We visited his office and met his colleagues, so that when he told us stories about them, we knew who these people were. Seeing Dad’s life during the week helped the children understand where he was when he was away.
Additionally, due to the nature of her work, they were able to see a commercial setting in operation, which inspired our daughter to pursue a university degree in creative arts.
The visits to New York allowed the children to get a glimpse of Ian’s life during the week, Megan says.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
We admitted we needed help
We were lucky that my sister lived with us for the first five years and my parents were only two hours away. The extra support they gave me was huge, as was the quality time we all got to spend with them.
Beyond family, our neighbors knew our situation and were ready to help us if necessary. When the kids were little, we hired someone to mow and shovel snow. I found a great handyman and reliable plumber that I knew I could call with any issues that needed to be resolved during the week.
I had a few babysitters I could go to if I wanted some time to myself, whether it was taking a Pilates class or going out to dinner with a friend during the week. Other times, I used the gym’s daycare while I worked out.
We made sure being a single parent didn’t overwhelm me
We decided not to involve our children in many activities when they were younger. The logistics of many activities seemed too overwhelming for me to manage with Ian during the week.
Even so, I needed breaks from all that solo parenting and I took them, including an annual girls’ weekend away. (It’s time for dad to be the single parent!)
The Bearce family vacations on Cape Cod.
Courtesy of Megan Bearce
We appreciated the benefits
Even though we had some difficulties, we do not regret our choice. Ian was able to pursue a fulfilling career. I didn’t have to rebuild my therapy practice a third time or get licensed in a new state. We raised our family where there are good public schools, plenty of green space, and a reasonable cost of living.
Our children learned early on the importance of taking care of themselves and spending quality time with loved ones. They realized that the best choice might not be the easiest, but you had to do what was right for you.
Megan Bearce is a licensed therapist, coach and author of the book “Super Commuter Couples: Staying Together When Jobs Separate You“She is a sought-after speaker and writer on workplace mental health, burnout, wellness and perfectionism in business travel, and has been interviewed as an expert by SHRM, BBC, Forbes, MarketWatch and CBS Evening News She has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist (LMFT). website as well as on top LinkedIn And Facebook.
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