How a marathon could harm your marriage

Leo Lundy, a researcher at the Trinity Center for Biomedical Engineering, says that with around 6,000 aspiring members of the 100 Marathon Club, which exists to celebrate achievements linked to the official distance completed more than 100 times, “the UK has one of the highest numbers of multi-marathoners per capita in the world”. This explosive growth in endurance sports comes largely from midlife converts. “There is a real wave of interest in running right now and most of the people completing multiple marathons are middle-aged,” says Lundy. “Many probably didn’t start running until age 40, but some go on to compete in several other events and try ultramarathons as well.”

A runner himself, Lundy, 61, wanted to know whether repeated recreational marathon running was as good as claimed for mental well-being. He and his colleagues at Trinity Medical School surveyed 576 male and female marathon runners in their 40s and 50s from 22 countries, including the United Kingdom and Ireland. All fit the description of “multi-marathoners,” those who embrace the growing trend of attempting to complete the 26.2-mile distance numerous times.

“Initially, 94 percent of runners said it was good for them,” Lundy says. “But when I went back and did robust, validated psychological testing for depression and anxiety, I found that in 25% of cases the results for these conditions were concerning.”

The results of his study, published in the journal Acta Psychologica, also showed that within this group, about 8% of runners fell into a high-risk category for clinical depression and severe anxiety, well above clinical thresholds and well above World Health Organization standards.

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“The study highlights that running a marathon is not a guarantee of good mental health,” says Lundy. He points out that running and endurance exercise are normally linked to better moods and that 75 percent of the people in his study felt better while doing them. “It’s when the body and mind are under constant strain, and for some runners the habit becomes more of a coping mechanism than a joy, that burnout and anxiety can set in,” he says.

Even those who never intend to do more than one marathon should listen to the results with caution. “There are the months of training, the weeks leading up to it, the adrenaline of the day, the energy needed to finish the race and the euphoria of crossing the finish line,” Lundy explains. “For this reason, there will usually be a period of downtime afterwards. »

Ammanda Major, sex and relationship counselor and clinical director of the charity Relate at Family Action, says it’s not just mood swings, but also the time demands associated with endurance events that have become an increasingly common denominator when relationships deteriorate. “Focused, time-consuming physical activities like marathons, triathlons, and golf create neurobiological feedback loops in that they make you feel good, so you do more of them,” she says. “But if you start spending too much time away from your relationship because of an activity, partners might feel like it’s a choice you made and start to feel alienated and neglected.”

A study published in Sociology of Sport suggests that newcomers to marathon running often “undergo a process of identity transformation” as they immerse themselves in the activity and enter a new “social world of running” that operates in an area outside their partnership or marriage.

“Even if the non-running partner is supportive, adopting a serious marathon identity by the running partner can jeopardize the marriage (or partnership),” said researchers from Wingate University College in Israel, adding that sometimes “the partnership can collapse” as a result. I’ve completed seven marathons (plus one on roller skates) and during the standard 16-week training period for each one, I found myself slowly becoming absorbed in the process at the expense of everything – and everyone – else.

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Be under no illusion, training occupies your every waking thought and action, from how you sleep to what and when you eat. Conversations revolve around references to carbohydrates, fluids and electrolytes, mileage, pace and expected times. Meal times at home will be shifted forward or backward to respect your “refueling window”. Alcohol is usually off the menu because it will dehydrate you for your next run. You constantly check your Garmin or Strava watch and you don’t dare go out too late for fear of dozing off. Forget sex, because not only are you exhausted all the time, but you’re often in bed by 8:30 p.m. so you wake up ready for your morning run.

Preparing for these events absorbs every ounce of your being and doesn’t stop when you cross the finish line. There is a period of mourning when days are suddenly devoid of meaningful miles and the absence of an imminent goal can cause a dramatic drop in mood. This can last for months. I remember feeling deprived of a weekly training schedule and the camaraderie of other runners after some marathons. It often took several weeks for my mojo to return.

What psychologists have dubbed runner’s blues is not unusual. Last year, researchers at Linnaeus University in Sweden surveyed 16 recreational runners or triathletes about their emotional state in the six months after participating in an endurance event. Some respondents said they still felt “full of life” weeks or months after the event, but one of the most common themes was feeling “a loss of energy, ambivalence and melancholy.”

Sofia Ryman Augustsson, associate professor of sports science and lead author of the paper published in the journal Sports Medicine, Science and Rehabilitation, said negative emotions after running were “a physical and mental challenge.” She said participants blamed their “post-race blues” on factors such as “time spent training for a specific race” and a “perceived inability to set new goals for an upcoming training period.”

Lundy says runners should be more aware of overtraining, exercise addiction and when lifestyle pressures become too much. “Taking time to recover, continuing to run enjoyable rather than compulsively, and talking openly about mental health in running clubs or groups could be very helpful,” he says. It’s also important to set aside time for relationships and focus your emotions on events outside of daily races and workouts. “There has to be a balance,” Major says. “It shouldn’t take over your life to the point that everything else is affected. »

My last marathon was in 2011, after which I vowed not to do another one until I had more free time and the kids were grown up. Now that they’ve done it, there’s a lingering desire to try another one over the next few years, perhaps to sign off my fifth decade. But if my non-running partner reads this, he might have other ideas.

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How to save your relationship

Reengage with your partner

It’s important not to come back after a workout and give your partner chapter and verse of how it went. “Even if you’re exhausted, make sure you create space to re-enter your relationship after you’ve done your work,” says Major. “Ask about their day, how the kids are doing, if the mother-in-law has made an appointment at the hospital, and things that are important to both of you.”

Involve your partner to some extent

“When partners feel alienated, they have a hard time caring about how well your training or event is going,” says Major. “You need to find a balance where you can discuss certain elements of your sporting hobby without letting it overwhelm the conversations between you.” Likewise, she says, if you don’t run marathons but your partner does, you’ll need to accept that this is important to them and try to make room in your relationship for this commitment.

Be willing to compromise

Discuss your training and competition plans with your partner. “I’ve worked with couples where the non-athletic partner found out their husband or wife had signed up for an endurance event in three weeks and there was a family commitment,” Major says. “The sports partner stays silent because they know it will cause friction and the other partner feels like the rug has been pulled out from under them and it’s a thousand times worse than it would have been if they had planned events together that are important to both of them.”

Ask yourself why you become obsessed with training

In some cases, embarking on endurance training can be a symptom that something else is wrong in the relationship. “Sometimes unhappy partners in a relationship seek external validation through a hobby,” Major says. “If you suddenly find yourself drawn to hobbies that take you much further away from home, take a step back and ask yourself if it’s because you’re truly enjoying the challenge or because you’re trying to escape a difficult situation.” If it’s the latter, she says, it’s time to see a relationship therapist.

connect.org.uk