GREG GUTFELD: Twitter’s ‘former defending champion’ is back

Happy Monday everyone. These people are crazy. Wow. I hope you had a good weekend. I spent mine, as I always do, shooting rats with my BB gun in Kat’s office. Oh, but this ranks pretty low on the most interesting thing to happen in the last few days. And I think you know what I’m talking about.

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NARRATOR: He is back. Very well.

True. It’s true. Elon Musk has restored Donald Trump’s Twitter account. They didn’t hang like my pants when I danced at Chippendales. This is after Musk released a poll in which more than 15 million users voted in favor of reinstatement. Of course, we are still awaiting the results of that Maricopa County poll. The final result, 51.8% for, 48.2% against. It’s the same ratio of people at Fox who voted for me to come to work topless. Oh yeah. I beat Trey Gowdy by a few points.

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On Saturday, Musk tweeted, People have spoken. Trump will be reinstated. Vox Populi vox dei. I think the last part is Latin for “FU, you whiny losers”. It actually means that the voice of the people is the voice of God. Whoever heard that never heard Joy Behar in the bathroom. Think about it. Trump hasn’t been on Twitter for a while. It’s been so long since Tom Brady was divorced, Kanye is no longer a billionaire and Ilhan Omar now shaves his mustache three times a week. Don’t applaud for that. It’s disgusting. I deny that. Oh brother.

He was banned on January 8, 2021. Do you remember why? I do not know. I remember him saying “Walk peacefully to the Capitol”. But earlier in the day, Trump didn’t seem too keen on returning. I bet he heard we were getting a big vote to come back on Twitter too.

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Donald Trump: But here we get a big vote to return to Twitter as well. I don’t see it because I don’t see any reason for it. True Social is through the roof. It works phenomenally well.

Still, Musk’s decision on Trump sets the stage for the return of the platform’s most influential user since Michael Moore’s fingers got too big. Wow. And of course, just at the right time, the media, politicians and celebrities are already freaking out. Excerpt from a New York Times editorial, quote: “I have studied Trump’s use of Twitter for six years. Prepare for the worst.” So that’s what they do instead of checking the Hunters laptop. But anyone who has studied Trump’s tweets for six years is, to use an expression from Trump, a loser. I mean, this person lives their life at a frenetic pace. I imagine he or she hasn’t had sex without the need for AA batteries in years.

Then there’s rock star Jack White deactivating his label account. In an absurdly long Instagram post, he compared Trump to the KKK, a hate group that did to black people what Jack White’s latest album did to everyone’s ears. Trust me, and I’m a fan. Then there was the dope panic vomit on cable.

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MSNBC REPORTER 1: Everyone who woke up this morning and saw this news was struck by an avalanche of terror.

MSNBC 2 REPORTER: I am absolutely disgusted. But what else do we expect from very white, privileged, straight cis men who protect each other?

MAXINE WATERS: He will politicize it. He will use it. And all those domestic terrorists he leads will have a voice.

MSNBC 3 REPORTER: Should we pray for Twitter to collapse?

ABC NEWS REPORTER: This only underscores Twitter’s erratic leadership now under Musk, but also the security issues with security people fleeing Twitter and what that means for protecting Americans’ private data.

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This guy is shittier than Jerry Nadler’s pants. But her reaction was what many echoed and you’ll likely continue to hear. Musk’s leadership puts data at risk. And it’s not just from individuals, even entire networks, that you might expect to welcome more talk, no matter who they’re from. I mean, CBS cares about your privacy now. The network that pioneered ambush journalism with “60 Minutes.” Late Friday, they shut down their various accounts in what they called, citing, “In light of the uncertainty around Twitter and out of an abundance of caution.” An abundance of caution. What *********.

I mean, that’s what legacy media is known for, being too careful about releasing something to the public. Where to start ? You ********. Russiagate. Whip. The hoax of the good people. Hunter’s laptop as Russian disinformation. When it suits them, the networks have taken the leap more often than a sprinter on meth. But Sunday morning, CBS returned, saying they would “continue to monitor the situation.”

In response, Elon posted this “Brokeback Mountain” meme with the caption “Our love will never die”. He also tweeted this to CBS. “They should bring Walter Cronkite back.” As you know, Walter Cronkite is dead. So it’s not possible, but it’s funny. So the current funniest guy on Twitter, Musk, just brought back former reigning champ, Trump.

And we should embrace it because it pisses off people who would rather ban things they don’t want to hear than counter them with more talk. And these are also the same people who express more concern over tweets than rampant crime, soaring inflation or being on the cusp of a world war. In short, they are very selfish people. For they happily accept the current F’d presidency because it does not affect their fragile psyche. And due to their wealth and high status, they can bear the cost. Of course, everyone pays more for food and some people never come home from work. But at least these losers, you know, they don’t wake up at night thinking about Trump. Ah, too bad it’s over.