Friends try to keep their adult daughter’s boyfriend away

Dear Eric: Friends of ours who live on the other side of the country have a daughter who is in her final year of college in the same city where we live. It’s not uncommon for the daughter to spend holidays like Thanksgiving, or an occasional weekend, with us. .

Occasionally she brings her boyfriend, whose company we also enjoy. Recently, her mother texted us to tell us that we should not allow her daughter to bring her boyfriend over to our house on the weekend.

The wording was actually: “Do not allow [name of daughter] to get her boyfriend to stay with you; we are against this. Um…this girl is a legal adult, and my husband and I have absolutely no intention of giving in to her mother’s demands. We just need a way to tell mom to back off because, honestly, who we have over is none of her business. She will definitely ask again.

— Open day

Dear House: Oh wow, you’re going to want to stay as far away from that as possible. The quickest way is to tell your friend, “This is between you and your daughter. You two should sort this out.

Friends of a person’s parents can act as surrogate parental figures throughout life, but it goes beyond that. There is already a conflict brewing between your friends and their daughter, a conflict that they have failed to communicate about.

It is unlikely that either party does not know where the other stands. Bringing you into their corner won’t change anything.

You’re right, parents would do well to stop trying to control their adult daughter in this way. Likewise, the adult daughter should have informed you more thoroughly about the disagreement with her parents, if only to avoid creating tension in your friendship with her parents. But if you don’t have a problem with two adult guests sleeping in your house, there’s not much else to discuss. Sleep well.

Dear Eric: My younger sister and I have only been apart for a year and a half, but our relationship has been a constant cycle of fights and arguments throughout our lives.

My sister has a negative attitude toward life that was unfortunately validated by a devastating loss. In contrast, I had a fairly quiet life until our elderly mother suffered a stroke, becoming totally dependent on my husband and me financially, physically and emotionally for 15 years. It was the hardest time I have ever experienced, although I was grateful to be able to do it.

My sister and her husband offered us no help during this time. Two years ago, my sister suffered a stroke, leaving her unable to care for herself. She and her incompetent husband expect me to provide the same care as our mother.

I don’t like the wait, but I feel obligated to help. I’m 80 years old, I’m still healthy and energetic, but I don’t know how much time I have left on this earth. I don’t want to spend my time taking care of my sister, especially when she has a husband and an adult son who all seem to think that my life and efforts should be sacrificed for her.

I found caregivers for her, but when that doesn’t work, they turn to me to fill the void. I am sad, angry and torn. I don’t know how to limit my care for her without feeling intense guilt. What can I do?

— Gripped with guilt

Dear Guilt Wracked: As you point out, providing care to a loved one involves a constellation of resources: money, emotions, time, logistics and physical capacity. Although it may be comprehensive, care is not all or nothing.

So, try to view the care you’re already providing for your sister—finding additional support, providing emotional support, navigating family dynamics—as a complete offering rather than something incomplete.

Guilt tells you that you should be superhuman, while pushing away the resentments that still linger because of your complicated relationship. Guilt lies to you because it is rooted in the desire to fix the irreparable. Remember that you are doing your best.

A conversation with your sister where you can try to heal some of the hurts, resentments, and hurts from the past will help a lot here. Separately, you should have a very tough love conversation with her husband and son. They can’t tell you what is expected of you. They don’t neglect their loved one while you struggle under the weight of responsibility. If they don’t have the tools or skills, I’m sure you can direct them to resources since you had to find them yourself. It is time for them to mobilize.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)