Friends never initiate social plans

Dear Eric: My wife and I have a good number of friend groups. We enjoy social gatherings, including dinners out, with all groups. But only one or two couples invite us out as much as we ask them to.

The majority of other couples seem to only date us when we initiate it, although they seem to frequently date other mutual friends.

We are sure that they enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs and that they happily accept our invitations when they are available, but we suspect that we will never hear from them unless we initiate contact . I don’t think we’re insecure, but it borders on annoying, and we’re tempted to constructively confront some couples (one or two of them) about this bias. Is there a diplomatic way to do this or should we just give up and wait forever for them to ask us out?

— Socially perplexed

Dear Puzzled: Something simple but direct like “We love spending time with you, and it would mean a lot if you made plans next time” can start the conversation. Some people just aren’t initiators. At other times, friends can fall into patterns that put a burden on one side. If you are always initiating, they may view you as the de facto planners and initiative may not occur to them. Proactivity can be coached, even if you have to be the one to initiate the conversation in the first place.

Dear Eric: I have been in a relationship with a man for seven years. We have lived together for about six years and also have a child together. I pay for everything – and I mean everything – which is annoying. But the worst part is that my partner always uses the rest of something, even things that belong exclusively to me.

This makes me extremely frustrated and downright angry.

Every time I confront him about it, he admits he made the last decision, apologizes and that’s it. He also just leaves the empty container behind and never replaced anything. I literally can’t take it anymore.

I’ve tried everything to get it to at least let me know when it uses the last of something, so I can replace it before I need or want it. But he never even does that.

I know this may seem trivial to some people, but it’s a huge pet peeve of mine. Every time it happens – which is every day – I feel closer and closer to breaking up with him. Is there any way to get him to stop doing this? Or do you think I might be wrong here?

— Empty box

Dear empty box: Oh, the pain of going to the cookie jar or snack bag, longing for a treat and finding nothing but air. It’s like a paper cut – it’s not the worst thing, by far, but wow, it stings.

You can do things like leave reminder notes – “if you take this, tell me” or even hide one of whatever you want in a secret place. But I don’t think this will solve the main problem.

You’re rightfully frustrated, but I wonder how much of that frustration is due to your partner’s very annoying habit and how much of it is due to the imbalance in your relationship. Why do you pay for everything? Why do you have to be the one replacing things? It’s easy to see how your partner’s actions could cause you to feel underappreciated or even taken advantage of.

This justifies a state of relational conversation. And we’re not just talking about the pantry. Inventory the entire household. Where do you not feel supported? What are the things that once worked for you both that no longer work for you? And what are you going to do to fix them? He may rummage through the solution box and come up empty or may not have the desire to change significantly. This might be all the answer you need.