Finding an old friend, she now wants to accompany him on every trip.

Dear Eric: I’m stressed trying to maintain a friendship with someone from high school who reconnected with me a few years ago.

We were good friends when we were younger, but by the time high school rolled around, I had moved on.

Twenty years later, we started dating again. Girly things like going out to lunch. Recently, I realized that as nice as she is, I just don’t enjoy her company. She constantly complains, is immature, afraid of everything (while I’m quite adventurous), and tries to be so accommodating that it’s actually super annoying.

We took several weekend trips together and she ruined every one of them by complaining about things that happened 40 or 50 years ago. It’s non-stop.

At all costs I don’t want to hurt her, but I also don’t want to be with her except in very small doses.

I have a few more trips coming up and she tends to assume she’s invited. Be careful, she never makes plans herself; she just wants to “follow along” with me. Other than saying, “Hey, I’m kind of looking forward to doing a solo trip this time” (which is true), what can I say that basically means, hell no, never again but in a way pleasant that does no harm. She thinks I’m a horrible person because I don’t want her to join me?

— Bad reunions

Dear Meeting: Do you want to stop him from feeling like a horrible person or are you more worried about feeling like a horrible person? Because kindness has gone crazy here – yours and his – and it’s getting you nowhere.

What’s wrong with saying “I want to go solo” if it’s the truth? Obscuring the truth with “niceness” most likely leads to even more misunderstood intentions. What happens when she wants to join the next trip?

There’s a line in the musical “Into the Woods” that I think about a lot: “Nice is different from good.” » In this case, a good friendship is about standing up for what you need in a clear, non-nasty way, so that your resentment doesn’t grow and you can enjoy the time you choose to spend together.

When you imagine telling her what you really want, it’s easy to also imagine her hearing all the real reasons why you want it, which is that you don’t like her company. But that’s not what you’re saying. At least out loud.

However, from the way you write about this friend, it doesn’t seem like you like her at all. Do you just put up with her because you’re nice and she’s nice? Just like in high school, this is not sustainable in the long term. Better to set parameters – coffees, no lunches, no trips, etc. – rather than simmering with resentment.

Dear Eric: I am a 76-year-old man whose friend of over 70 years has a wife with severe arthritis issues that required her to use a wheelchair for many years. As I put her back in their car, I normally place a kiss on her cheek.

Over a year ago, as I was starting this, she whispered “on the lips” to me. Since then, I have tried to reduce this friendship because of the discomfort it caused me. I enjoyed their long-time friendship until this happened. Am I being too sensitive about this?

— Friend too close

Dear friend: If it makes you uncomfortable or feels like you’re crossing a boundary, you’re not being overly sensitive. I’m sure you’ve thought through the possible explanations in your head – maybe she was joking, maybe she misinterpreted your cheek kisses as advances, maybe this, maybe that. The reason is important, but it is not as important as how the words came to you.

You may feel uncomfortable around the two of them now, or feel like you’re keeping a secret. Talking to your friend’s wife about what happened and how you felt will save you from having to walk around with that connection inside you. A conversation also provides an opportunity to get clarification from him and pave the way for you to resume your close friendship with the husband.

Try talking to him one-on-one. Bring up the words she whispered and tell her how you felt when you heard them. Be clear with a statement like “when you said ‘on the lips,’ I felt uncomfortable [or replace this with another emotion] because I value the friendship I have with you and your husband, I don’t want there to be any crossed wires here. Affirm the boundaries you are comfortable with and ask if she can respect them.

It also gives him the opportunity to explain and apologize, if necessary.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)