Dear Amy: My brother-in-law of 20 years has always been rude, hateful, disrespectful and perpetually in a bad mood.
My sister – his wife – was always making excuses for his bad behavior, and so my family “turned the other cheek” and treated him with love and kindness, anyway.
One day, at a party, I heard my brother-in-law tell his friend that he never loved me or my family. He then started making fun of us.
A few days later, I confronted him and my sister about it.
My brother-in-law admitted to hating me and my family. He said we didn’t do anything wrong to him personally – he just hated us.
My sister knew how he felt all along, and now she acts like it’s no big deal.
We never want to have anything to do with my brother-in-law again.
We are all in conflict and I don’t know what to do or how to save my relationship with my sister because of this betrayal.
– Shocked
Dear Shocked: Your reaction to this insult seems to blame your sister – probably for tolerating her husband’s long-standing hatred and lack of respect for your family.
Your sister is not responsible for her husband’s atrocious behavior. But it looks like he pulled out a grenade and threw it in the middle of your family.
You might consider this strange episode of brutal honesty a kind of liberation. You don’t have to spend time with him, interact with him, or worry about his esteem for you. Refusing to spend time with him will free him from any obligation or expectation of being in the presence of people he hates.
In this context, “turning the other cheek” can mean accepting that your sister has chosen to be with him and appears to be staying with him.
Perhaps you could adopt a loving and understanding attitude towards him. His situation does not seem easy.
dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for five years. Each of us has brought up the topic of open marriage at one time or another.
There is nothing wrong or missing in our marriage and our intimate life is amazing.
I wonder: is this healthy curiosity on our part, or are we just looking for trouble?
– Confused
Dear Confused: Discussing an open marriage is not a problem. Committed and intimate partners should discuss their hopes, dreams, fears and fantasies.
People who have been married for a long time understand from experience that marriage can be a very difficult task. Life gets messy and tests commitments. Work, family, illness and financial problems will be challenges for all couples.
Wondering who your spouse is having sex with tonight adds a layer of stress that many people couldn’t handle.
My basic point is that if your marriage isn’t broken, don’t try to fix it by involving other people in it.
On the other hand, if you don’t have children at home and can mutually agree on parameters that will allow you to explore your sexual and relationship curiosity with other people while remaining emotionally committed to each other the others, you could take the plunge.
If you choose to try this, I think it would be prudent to think about or imagine what your life would be like without your spouse, because for many people, “opening up” a marriage ultimately leads to ending it.
dear Amy: I hope you rethink your response to “Devastated Husband” – whose wife spoke about opening up their marriage – because it’s not only wrong, it’s dangerous.
Five years ago, I asked my husband to consider an open marriage. We had married young and had few experiences. I didn’t have any particular person in mind. My husband agreed to try it.
We were open for two years before deciding it wasn’t for us. When he asked that we return to monogamy, I agreed without hesitation.
A spouse who requests an open marriage is trying to do the right thing by being open and honest.
A partner is entitled to complicated feelings in response, but I hope you encourage loving curiosity rather than anger. Love is about assuming positive intention and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.
When you and others sow the idea that someone who is seeking an open marriage has a secret agenda and simply wants to “get away,” you encourage unfounded suspicion and hostility. And that is the root of domestic violence.
– Open minded
Dear Open-Minded: Thank you for sharing your own experience exploring an open marriage. I take your criticism to heart.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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