Q My father suffers from dementia and before he entered a nursing home, I was his primary caregiver. It is tragic to see this man, who was once the most important character, be consumed physically and mentally by illness. I have siblings, but the responsibility of caring for him fell squarely on my shoulders and while he was at home I was able to continue living for him – even if I had to balance that with my work and take care of my children.
I’m generally a reasonably happy person, but since he came into the house I’ve really struggled and lost my spark. Now daddy no longer recognizes me or my mother – his wife. This is devastating not only for me but also for my seven and 13 year old children.
They attend counseling sessions to help They accept the grief of losing the person their grandfather once was, which tears me up even more. I have never felt so isolated and alone. How can I stay strong, not only for myself but also for my family, when I am falling apart inside?
A I hear your despair loud and clear. I’m sure you’re aware of the Alzheimer’s Society’s recent campaign highlighting how losing someone in this way is like mourning their death over and over again. This has been controversial for being too hard-hitting, but I think it resonates with many people who have cared for someone with this life-altering illness.
I’ve spoken to people who tell me that when their parent died, they were so relieved that it was over that their loved one’s dementia even robbed them of the final grieving process. So, firstly, I can say that you are not alone, even if you feel desperately alone.
You are exhausted and probably depressed. Unfortunately, it is often the case that women are the ones who have to take care of their family members. Taking care of your father before he moved into a home (along with your other commitments) has left you exhausted. It may be too painful for your children to visit their grandfather now, and it may be better for them to remember him as he was.
But I think we also need to take a step back. Your father is safe, and since he no longer recognizes you, you might also want to consider taking a few weeks off. Focus on the good times spent with your children: take them on fun outings, help them think of other things.
Also go on outings with your mother. Make sure you take care of yourself with exercise, fresh air, and proper nutrition. In other words, reset. As difficult as it may be, try not to show your anxiety to your children.
But no one can be strong all the time, so cry as much as you want when you need to – but don’t be alone. Please call a friend or ask for support from others and talk until you feel better (alzheimers.org.uk; 0333 150 3456). Please also consult your GP about depression.
My daughter blames me for her breakup
Q I think maybe I really blew it with my daughter. She is 33 years old and has been in a relationship for six years with a man who did not want to get married. She desperately needs to have children, but he kept saying he wasn’t ready – he’s 40.
So I told him to give him an ultimatum: if he couldn’t agree to marry her within a year, she would have to end their relationship. However, when she followed my advice, he left her saying that he didn’t want to be forced into it a corner.
It was three months ago and my daughter was distraught, sobbing on the phone saying it was my fault and if she hadn’t said anything, they would always be togetherr.
A Yes, if she hadn’t said anything, they might still be together – and then your daughter could watch another three or four years go by, still wanting to get married and still wanting kids.
Unfortunately, I expect everyone except your daughter to be able to see that this relationship was not good. Not being willing to commit after six years is hardly a pushover. If he doesn’t feel ready to have kids at 40, it’s because he probably never wants them, but he didn’t have the courage to tell her directly and made her hold on cut.
Right now, your daughter is grieving the loss of her relationship (six years is a long time) and is afraid of the uncertainties of the future. She will come back but it will take time for her to realize that he wasn’t right for her, so continue to listen to her and be there for her.
Gently remind him that he might never have felt ready to be a father and that she deserves someone who loves her enough to want a future together.
Tell us your secrets! Do you have a sexual or relationship story that you would like to reveal anonymously in an upcoming issue of YOU? Email editor@you.co.uk and share your love life confessions with us in complete confidentiality
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_ Caroline reads all your letters but regrets not being able to respond personally to each of them.
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