Inspirational thought of the week:
And you try, you try so hard
But I swear on your heart
And you play you play the game
But you pay you pay for it
You can’t win no, you can’t win no
–“You can’t win”, Kelly Clarkson
Here at the headquarters of Bottom 10, located behind the moonlight where John Daly is having breakfast before Arkansas’ matchday games, we spent Week 1, which with Thursday-Monday games was actually pretty much an entire week, thinking about winning and losing. Not the difference between one and the other, but rather what it means when both feel the same experience at the same time. As one of those goth-looking dudes once said on one of those cable network tattoo contest reality shows when asked to describe what it was like to having body ink squirted on a counter: “The feeling is pleasantly uncomfortable.”
To be clear, we weren’t going down that mental path because we’re planning on getting Randy Edsall’s autograph on our lower backs. No, we gave up on that dream long ago after he threatened to sue us for copyright infringement.
Instead, we’re trapped in this emotional win/lose mind mixer because, as you’re about to read (assuming you haven’t already clicked on something else), multiple teams included in the standings this week had the audacity to win their matches. However, those victories came against supposedly lesser opponents. And when we say lesser opponents, we mean schools that we had to do an internet search to find out where they are and if they actually have a football team. Exactly what Top 10 school athletic directors needed to do when it came time to put together a schedule that could produce wins, even if those Ws ended up feeling like Ls.
Like, say, two Ls at the end of Edsall when injected into the epidermis just above your L5 lumbar vertebrae.
With apologies to Kat Von D and Steve Harvey, here are the bottom 10 rankings after week 1.
The bad news is that the Minutemen started the season with a 42-10 loss at TU, just like at Tulane. The worst news is that they’re on the road again, this time to UT, like in Toledo, where they’re four-TD underdogs in the Glass Bowl. The best news? With all due respect to TU Donuts and UT Hungarian Hot Dogs, the campus that is home to the nation’s lowest-ranked team is also home to the nation’s best campus restaurants for the sixth year in a row. Messing up in the field is easier to swallow when you come home to messing up the best dining room.
2. Huh-Why?-Yuh (0-2)
The Rainbow Warriors followed up their Week Zero 63-10 loss to Bottom 10 regular Vandy with a 49-17 loss to Bottom 10 regular Western Kentucky. Next up is a trip to a Michigan regular who’s decidedly not in the last 10, followed by a visit from 0-2 social media sensation FCS Duquesne (remember the dude with the red panties that are too big?) and then a potential Year of the Century pillow fight ending in September against…
3. Phew State of Mexico (0-2)
Former Minnesota Gophers head coach Jerry Kill led the Other Aggies to his old stomping ground, and the Gophers took that part very seriously. It was the worst reunion since my cousin Lonnie showed up for Thanksgiving after borrowing money from everyone in the family for a “can’t miss investment opportunity” and then plunging it all into the NFT from the Alliance of American Football.
4. Cursed Temple (0-1)
The Bowels traveled to Durham to take on Duke and continued to go south, losing 30-0 to a team that has won just one ACC conference game since 2019. They were seen for last seen somewhere near the Georgia-Florida line eating peach ice cream, buying discount tickets to Legoland and texting Philly, “Tell the Leopards of Lafayette we’ll get there when we we’ll get there.”
5. Oregon…DUCK! (0-1)
As in “Duck! Dive! Dodge! There’s another Georgia defenseman coming! And he’s chewing another page out of Dan Lanning’s playbook!”
6. Akronmonious (1-0)
Yes, the Zips won. The Zips defeated the St. Francis University Red Flash. The Zips won by a score of 30-23 after being favored by 17 points. The Zips won after entering the game with, according to the usually mystical and magically accurate ESPN FPI formula, an 88% chance of winning but spent most of the game stuck around 50%. The Zips won, but it took them an OT period to do so. So, yes, the Zips won, but they did it against a team that was chosen to finish third in the FCS Northeast Conference. So yeah, sometimes a win isn’t much different than a loss, especially when you come out the other side and are immediately put on a bus bound for Michigan State.
7. U-Can’t (1-1)
Almost everything you just read about Akron’s win can also be applied to the UConn Huskies’ 28-3 victory over Central Connecticut, aka the team that was chosen to finish a spot behind St. Francis in the NEC. . Now the Huskies host Syracuse in the Hey Don’t You Wish This Was A 1999 Basketball Game Bowl.
8. FI (not A) U (1-0)
The Panthers iced their win over Bryant with a two-point OT conversion. Just to be clear, they didn’t have to work overtime to beat a school founded by Bear Bryant, Dez Bryant, Bobby Bryant, Martavis Bryant, Money Matt Bryant, or even Anita Bryant. No, they edged out Bryant University, the Rhode Island-based team opted to finish fifth in the six-team Big South Conference of FCS.
9. Charlotte 0-and-2’ers (0-2)
The 49ers opened the season with a week zero 43-13 loss to FA(not I)U and followed that up with a 41-24 defeat at the hands of William & Mary, who earned their first victory over an FBS team since 2009. Charlotte has become a sleeper pick to win the Last 10 title, with likely more pillow fights of the week on the horizon against FI(not A)U, Minute Rice and MTSU. Speaking of the Murfreesboro team…
10. Confused Tennessee (0-1)
The Blew Raiders blew an engine at James Madison, losing a 44-7 nailbiter. This achievement unlocked the reward of hosting Saturday’s pillow fight of the week, traveling to the state of Colorado, where the Rams’ horns are still sore after spending their week 1 on Saturday afternoon, which made everyone in Ann Arbor feel better about any potential post-CFP hangovers.
Waiting list: No-braska, Virginia Tech No-kies, Minute Rice, Whew Mexico, ULM (pronounced “ulm”), UTEP Minors, dropping 2-point conversions, refusing to uncross their arms for four hours.