Dear Amy: I am a middle aged man. My fiancée just moved in with me.
My family has had hoarding issues for generations. Long before Marie Kondo and the hoarding came along, I was in therapy and managed to deal with it.
I disposed of several dumpsters containing the belongings of my ancestors, in order to have room to live in the house I inherited.
My possessions give me joy.
I am a design professional with lots of experience working with clients in their homes.
I understand that hoarding is an obsessive compulsive disorder, but I also see compulsive decluttering as a big problem. I have been in houses that were practically empty because of this.
While visiting a friend who was downsizing, I realized how anxious things, boxes and clutter made my fiancée. We had to end the visit early because she was so anxious!
When stressed, she “purges” items and sometimes buys more, then returns or gives them away. Some things I cherish have “gone”.
I make room for her in our house (by removing my stuff) and she leaves the space empty, but then complains that there is no room for her stuff.
We don’t have any pictures or artwork on the walls in our room as the visual incompatibility makes her anxious and upset.
If something is not used NOW (even if needed or useful later), it disappears.
She donated an old, occasionally used kitchen appliance and later that same day purchased another.
I don’t know how to help her (or keep my stuff) because she says I need help “hoarding”.
Thank you for raising awareness about compulsive decluttering.
How can I defend my decisions when I am called a “hoarder” of useful/necessary/cherished objects?
—R
Dear R: Several years ago, I ironically suggested that decluttering expert Marie Kondo suffered from a compulsive disorder (she dumps so much!). And then earlier this year, Ms Kondo announced that the quest for orderly perfection had taken up too much of her own life and that she was now rearranging her priorities in a quest for more balance.
Compulsive decluttering is similar to hoarding, in that extreme anxiety and compulsions lead to the desire to obsessively delete “things.” People who suffer from it will get rid of things they need later, then replace the item, then remove it as well. So yes, according to your description, your fiancée could be suffering from some version of this.
But she moved into “your” house. Like any cohabiting couple, you will need to negotiate the issue of combining your assets and arriving at a lifestyle that you both can manage.
It is essential that she feels comfortable and at peace in her home.
Because you both have such opposite styles — and quickly label each other as having a serious disorder — it would be important to sit down with a couples therapist who can help you sort, rearrange, and unpack the considerable baggage you bring everyone into this relationship.
Dear Amy: You and I are about the same age, and I wonder if some of our peers did something wrong raising their children?
When I walk around my suburban neighborhood (I’ve done it every day for years), I say hello to everyone, whether they’re sitting on their porch or walking in the same direction as me or in the opposite direction.
Almost everyone my age (or older) returns the greeting.
Everyone from about 50 and under will glare at me or act like I’m not there.
Amy, what’s up with that? Why is it okay to be so rude?
They’re not kids, so “not talking to strangers” isn’t the point!
What is your opinion on this?
— Perplexed in the suburbs
Dear puzzled: In my travels, I’ve noted general regional differences in how strangers are seemingly “friendly” to one another.
I was brought up in an area that’s generally on the less friendly side of the spectrum (whereas I tend to be more outgoing). However, it never occurred to me that this behavior might be generational.
I’d be interested to hear from readers: Did my generation raise a passel of rude-niks?
Dear Amy: I must admit that I am often impressed by the way you deal with addiction issues, and I wonder how you acquired this insight.
I hope it’s not too personal, but I’m curious.
– Curious
Dear Curious: Drug addiction is a problem that I have studied a lot. Fortunately, I don’t have personal experience with addiction, but the relationship issues triggered by addiction are devastating and important to understand.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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