Becoming a parent at my age forces me to think about someone else

So, I’m back. And it’s true, I had a baby. I’ve been gone for a month and I have the chewed nipples to prove it. Eat your heart out, Mayor Pete. I guess that makes me qualified to run the Department of Transportation. Speaking of trans… any man who thinks that putting on a dress with a wig makes you a woman, it doesn’t. I was there when that baby came out, and no guy can do that. You might as well put on a diaper and pretend you’re a baby or a president. But there are few things worse than someone in the media having a child. And not just because you have to imagine them making love, but they act as if they were the first to do it, as if they had just invented having children.

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It’s funny. Just a few years ago, many new parents would tell you that having kids was selfish. How dare you bring another mouth to feed among billions of starving people? Then they have kids and suddenly their precious kid is the exception. They went from hating kids to having one that they can’t wait to transition to. It amazes me more that some moms can be so pro-abortion. It’s like being a biological Benedict Arnold. Because these moms know that having children is the best thing they can do. Apart from ironing.

A SEXIST WOULD SAY!

But rather than endure criticism from their diaper-refusing peers for giving in to the patriarchy, they encourage women to abort the only thing that gives them meaning in life. Besides watching this show, of course. So what is the male equivalent? Well, imagine a guy who wins a bronze star and says it’s not worth it. Sorry, that’s the only thing he’ll remember on his deathbed. Well, that and the orgy with the cast of The Facts of Life. Yeah, Charlotte Rae really knew how to party. And yes, I compare motherhood to war because it is.

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Women complete a nine-month tour of duty and, by the end, are so filled with hormones and exhaustion that PTSD feels like athlete’s foot. And for this reason, we should treat moms like conquering heroes. But the message from most libraries? I don’t have any children. But if we do it, it’s because our children will be better than yours. Because in the media we act as if everything we do has greater importance. But do you think my uncle Frank, a plumber, had to take a month’s leave every time his wife asked for one? Please. This guy had a plunger in his hand three minutes after cutting the umbilical cord. Come to think of it, I think he brought the plunger to the birth, just in case.

So, I won’t brag. Seven billion people have experienced this. But if you’re shocked that I have a kid at 60, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, mine was the first diaper she had to change. It’s not easy, but it’s not earth-shattering either. The lesson I learned is all I must unlearn. This means that throughout my life, I have mastered the art of being selfish, and it has helped my career. But a good career is not difficult when you only think about yourself. Although there are exceptions. But if you work hard for ten years, you can master any profession, except maybe porn, because in five years you have already aged.

Ask Trace Gallagher. It may be a silver fox, but you’re done once the rug matches the curtains. So becoming a parent at my age requires me to learn things that many of you learned in your 20s, 30s, and 40s: you have to think about someone else. And for me, it’s hard. My whole house has changed. Now there is someone else sleeping in the crib. But a wise person told me this: once you have a child, you can no longer regret what you did before, because changing the past would erase the possibility of having that child. Maybe that’s why Alec Baldwin keeps having kids.

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It’s great. So, I have no regrets after 60 years of bad behavior. So my message for you, men and women. If you regret your past, have a child. Yeah. Yeah. It’s easy. Almost anyone can do it. And really, the kids pretty much take care of themselves. Right now, mine is in the car double parked outside. Don’t worry. I rolled down the windows.