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Ask Amy: Polyamorous Group Reflects on Post-Pandemic

Dear Amy: I am almost 50 years old. I have been with my husband for 20 years.

We are stable and very much in love. We chose to be polyamorous for five years.

We didn’t tell my parents (and certainly not the in-laws!), but one Thanksgiving just before the pandemic, I was going to have my partner of one year with me (“Steve”), and I so I told my parents.

Mom didn’t take it well. Steve and I have been together for three years now. He seems as permanent to me as my husband. (By the way, Steve doesn’t have any family to visit on vacation himself.)

The pandemic solved the “holiday dilemma” for a few years, but it won’t fly this year.

Mom refuses to accept Steve.

I refuse to leave him alone on a major holiday.

I invited them to our house for Thanksgiving this year (where I can decide who sits at the table), but what about Christmas? It’s mom’s favorite party and she loves decorating and hosting. I don’t do any of that.

How to handle this? We don’t kiss in front of her (we don’t even hold hands or flirt). We just exist, but she refuses to have him in her home.

I thought about staying at Mom’s while my husband and partner get a hotel room nearby. Hubs doesn’t like staying at my parents’ house and would jump at the chance, but mom’s feelings would be hurt and at the end of the day Steve would still be alone while we were at my mom’s.

I want to spend the holidays with my mother. She may not have many left, but I don’t want to leave someone I love alone on vacation.


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