As the father of two sons, I don’t know how to approach toxic masculinity

I do not know where I was or what I was doing the first time that I heard the term “toxic masculinity”, but it seems to be everywhere these days.

Aside from a brief period in college, I have never thought much about masculinity. I just knew that there were men in my life that I wanted to imitate, and they represented a whole range of masculinity. Some did not know how to operate a hammer, while others could light a match on their pants leg.

As a father, I am now confronted with my views of masculinity, especially since I raise two sons – aged 12 and 7 years.

After doing research, I learned that there are three main beliefs of toxic masculinity: men should be strong, men should not be emotional and men should be in power.

Although I certainly do not subscribe to these beliefs, I try to model good behavior for my sons so that they do not give priority to toxic values.

Belief 1: Men must be physically strong and difficult

On the surface, my sons are physically strong. The oldest can lift a bin full of leafy leaf on a courtyard. The youngest breaks the boards of Taekwondo with his forehead.

Instead of simply celebrating these physical forces, I try to teach my children that perseverance is more important. I try to show them that tenacity can be better expressed by finding the will and the ability to continue to advance in difficult situations.

For example, recently, when I lost my job, I told them that even if I was disappointed, I was confident to survive this difficult period. I modeled tenacity without expressing anger and frustration about the situation.

Belief 2: Men should not express emotions

The two boys display their emotions as stage players trying to be heard in nose bleeding. Joy, frustration, excitement and despair are displayed like Jim Carrey on a frenzy of Espresso.

Although emotions can be overwhelming for a parent, my partner and I allow boys to experience these emotions without shame. We give our boys the safest space available for their emotions. When they express uncertainty about how to react to something, we provide emotional space so that they can understand it for themselves.

Because we allow them this sure emotional space, my wife and I sometimes forget their age and we expect them to work as older versions of themselves. After a particularly difficult period of high emotions, we, as parents, must take a step back and leave: “Oh, yes, he has only 7.”

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Belief 3: Men must be in power

He worries me the most. I have been with powerful and influential men all my professional life, and I know how horrible some could be. I don’t want my sons to grow up to be something like them, want to be able and domination.

To make sure that it does not happen, I start with equality at home. Instead of counting on their mother to perform household chores, I do various domestic tasks such as linen and garden work – without complaints.

I do not expect my sons to begin to like household work, but they must understand how difficult it can be to keep a habitable house. They catch up. My elder can prepare a hot lunch, toilets to clean and boxes of empty cats while the youngest sweeps the floors, vacuum vehicles and the vibrant of vegetables for dinner.

Beyond that, I try to point out their mother’s achievements; She is a successful teacher. I also underline their grandmother, a retired surgical nurse with history of the fight against gender-based discrimination.

I know that I could do more, especially since they will be exposed to toxic masculinity on social networks. I still do not know how to take up all aspects of this challenge, but I have a roadmap in place.