Apparently I “play favorites” with my stepkids. Yes indeed.

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Dear Prudence,

My partner and I blended families a year and a half ago. During this time, we have had significant issues with parenting styles that we are actively working on, among other things.

About two weeks ago, he became visibly agitated and said it was “showing favoritism” when I informed him that I was taking my daughter (biological child) on a quick errand with me. I even told her I just wanted to talk to her and make sure she was okay without everyone being there. I don’t often have free time with my two biological children since we all moved in together. I think alone time is nice from time to time and I always include his two children. I’m stressed and resentful because of this. But I’m afraid to talk about it again with him because I know it would start an argument. The strain of all our problems, and now this one, has me seriously considering leaving him. Am I wrong for just wanting to spend time with my own children?

— Feeling resentful

Dear feeling of resentment,

I don’t know if you should leave him over this (even if that’s what your gut tells you to do because this conflict is just an example of other issues you haven’t detailed here, listen -you certainly) but you should risk a disagreement and talk to him about it.

In this conversation (which you probably should have had before you moved in together, but you know that), you can try to understand what’s behind his favoritism. Hopefully it’s not that he believes that now that you live together, it’s you, as the woman, who will take on the parental role for all the children. Maybe he’s really afraid his children will be hurt or feel left out. Perhaps this is part of a larger concern about their specific personality and experiences of jealousy and sensitivity. Maybe he was ignored by a stepparent growing up and that whole dynamic is doing him a lot of good.

Either way, the goal should be for you both to find an agreement that ensures fairness and attention for all children while still allowing room for the reality that you will each have different relationships with those you you’ve known since the day. they were born. Maybe everyone gets the same allowance, the same amount of money spent on their birthday, the same chores, the same limitation on screen time, and the same bedtime, just to create a baseline of equality . With this in place, your partner may feel more comfortable agreeing to let individual relationships between parents and children evolve organically. If he can’t, that’s a problem. As you negotiate this and decide how to move forward, remember that while your relationship with him has the potential to work, your relationship with your children is forever. Put them First of all.

Classic Prudie

My first marriage ended 20 years ago. I knew my husband was sleeping with someone else, but I never found out who. “Helen,” my friend and neighbor, made me coffee and held my hand when I broke down. She even helped me when she was pregnant, and I often called her sons my “other nephews.” Recently I learned that her youngest son had taken an ancestry test and that Helen’s husband was not his father and was first cousin to people still living in my old town.