Dear Amy: My husband of just under two years does things behind my back that he knows would hurt me.
While we were dating, we promised each other exclusivity.
I was loyal to him, and he continued to date about 30 women for a year and a half. I came across his “grading” spreadsheet after we were living together.
He recently made arrangements to meet his ex-spouse while I was safely at work.
I feed birds, squirrels and chipmunks in our garden and love watching them. While I was away from home he took an air rifle and within a few months killed all the chipmunks.
One day last week I was coming home from work and saw him running around the front yard with the air rifle, shooting a little rabbit. I scolded him because he could hit a child riding a bike or a mother walking with her baby.
We’ve done counseling before. He only participates until he gets bored.
He told me he was going to do what he wanted to do, and he doesn’t care how I feel about it.
Please help.
– Woman at the end of her tether
Dear end: My intention is not to alarm you, but you have asked for help, and I want to make sure that you have a clear idea of my opinion regarding the future of your marriage.
It has to end.
Regular readers know how rarely I say this to married people:
Go out.
Do not enter into consultation with your husband. Don’t negotiate, set boundaries, or accept attempts at reconciliation.
Leave this relationship.
Please be careful while doing this.
The way you put it, besides never being honest with you, this man seems pretty dangerous. In addition, his aggressiveness seems to be intensifying.
People who kill really helpless small animals (not for food) sometimes accelerate their violence.
To find ways to stay safe when you leave your relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has lots of helpful and important information and advice on its website: thehotline.org. You can also call their helpline to speak with a counselor: (800) 799-7233.
Dear Amy: “Mary”, “Tracy” and I have been very good friends for 15 years.
About three years ago Mary married “Steve”. Steve is a charming and generous man – when he’s not drinking. When he drinks, he becomes very affectionate with me, with Tracy, and with any other woman in the area.
He kisses us on the lips, grabs us, hugs us, etc., all in front of Marie and our own partners.
We gently try to deflect it or squirm, but we never forcefully say, “It’s not appropriate.
Recently, we all spent a weekend together, and it was terrible! Mary chooses not to see what is happening or is really distraught.
She also seems to be a bit insecure in some ways in her marriage.
Tracy and I fear that if we say “stop” to him strongly, or if we sit down with Mary and tell him how uncomfortable he makes us, our friendship will be hurt, if not destroyed.
We imagine that she would support her husband and tell us that we are exaggerating.
At this point, we don’t want to spend future weekends with them.
Do you have any suggestions on how we could approach this subject without destroying a 15-year friendship?
– Do not touch
Dear Handsfree: It is essential that you remember that “Mary” does not cause or create this problem. “Steve” is the problem, so you should deal with him directly.
Tell this lovely, generous man (when he’s sober): “The last time we saw you, you kissed me. You behave this way whenever you are drunk. I let you know that if you ever touch me inappropriately again, I will call you.
If this turns into an incident (uncontrolled, which is where her behavior is heading) and Mary witnesses this assault and then denies or defends it, understand that she may feel trapped in a very out of his reach.
Push her to Al-anon (Al-anon.org) and keep your distance from Steve, but not from her.
Dear Amy: “Casual?” has written to you about her current relationship and the fact that she is looking for “his person”.
You encouraged her by telling her that “he is over there”.
How about telling her that she already has “her person”, that is to say: herself? !
– Disappointed
Dear disappointed: A wonderful and absolutely true answer. Thanks.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Subscribe to our weekly newsletter, In The Know, to receive entertainment news straight to your inbox.
denverpost