She knew they were in a rather unusual situation, given that they were a young family who no longer had the support of a beloved partner and parent.
However, Matthews says people seem more at a loss about what to say to him than those who are grieving at a later stage in their lives.
“They were always compassionate, but some comments made me feel uncomfortable,” the mother told Business Insider. “In many cases, I would have preferred them to say, ‘I really don’t know what to say,’ rather than a platitude or a cliché.”
This admission seemed more honest to her, she said, a true reflection of their state of mind.
Matthews, a personal development coach, outlines five things you’re best not to say when trying to comfort a young widow.
At least they don’t hurt anymore
Matthews said making assumptions is a common mistake that gives a bad impression.
“Most people, other than close friends and relatives, don’t really know the details and circumstances of the person’s death,” she added. “They might jump to conclusions.”
She takes comfort in knowing that her husband, Ross, who died of brain cancer in July 2017, did not suffer toward the end of his life.
“Ross had been ill for three and a half years, and it was difficult after brain surgeries and treatments that impacted his health and daily life,” she said.
“But he would have a seizure and be back to normal a few days later. We would carry on as normal, even going on holiday to the Turks and Caicos Islands three months before he died.”
Matthews with her late husband, Ross, at their wedding celebration. Courtesy of Holly Matthews
She said his condition “deteriorated” shortly after and he was admitted to a hospice. “Most of the time he was alone, but then he started sleeping mostly,” she said.
They are in a better place
The widow, who lives in the UK, advised people to keep religion out of the conversation – at least until they know the other person’s beliefs.
“These conversations are always awkward and confusing and I don’t judge people for following a religion,” Matthews said. “But it’s a wild assumption to think that I do and Ross did.”
“I’m an atheist and I don’t believe he went to heaven. When someone says he’s in a better place now, I think, ‘Well, absolutely not, he’s not in a better place. He should be here with me and the girls.'”
She said people told her, “God needed another angel.”
“It makes me want to make jokes,” Matthews continued. “Ross was not an angel, so they didn’t know him. That doesn’t give me any comfort.”
She said she feels relieved when people are direct. “It means something when they say, ‘Oh Holly, it really sucks that you’re going through this.'”
I sent a sympathy card and flowers
Matthews said her house was filled with wreaths and bouquets after Ross’ death.
“I understand the sentiment, but I didn’t know what to do with the flowers and sympathy cards,” she said.
“Instead, I would prefer someone to send me a message, acknowledge receipt and tell me that they have donated money to Ross Hospice.”
She said the gesture was not a “waste” and that she felt “at least something good” had come out of her husband’s death.
Matthews also said vague offers of help were hard to accept. “People say, ‘I’m here for you. How can I help?’ but it’s hard to be specific when you’re grieving,” she said.
Matthews with her two daughters, now aged 11 and 13. Courtesy of Holly Matthews
The mother said practical offers were welcome, such as doing the shopping, laundry or offering a voucher for a takeaway.
“It’s a nice change from flowers and cards,” she added. “They’re useless because they can’t bring it back. But if people say, ‘I’ll get you food with Uber Eats,’ that means a lot more.”
You’re handling this so well, I don’t know how I’d cope.
Matthews said people who didn’t know her well commented on how she handled things.
“But I never said I was fine all the time,” she said. “I said, ‘Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry my eyes out, and sometimes I’m angry.'”
She said she feels valued when people listen to her and try to understand.
According to Matthews, one of the most inappropriate comments she received came from a woman who told her, “I could never do what you do. My biggest fear is that my husband will die of brain cancer.”
“I thought, ‘OK, well, mine did it, and if yours did it, you’ll find a way. We’re human beings and very resilient.’”
She said people asked her if she had continued to live only because of her daughters. “They meant well, but I made it clear that I would not have killed myself if the children had not been there.”
Isn’t it time you started dating again?
Matthews recalls the moment a neighbor asked her in front of her children if she was thinking about remarrying.
“It was a few months after Ross died,” she said. “I hadn’t even thought about having that conversation with the kids yet, and it was very uncomfortable for them and for me.”
She said she had “no problem” with dating, but didn’t like being asked about it.
“First of all, who says I’m not dating and second of all, mind your own business,” she said. “It’s mostly because I have two daughters who absolutely do not want to think about their mother kissing or anything.”
Do you have an interesting story about widowhood that you would like to share with Business Insider? Please send the details to jridley@businessinsider.com
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