A key feature of my boyfriend’s face deactivates me. He refuses to change it.

How to do it is the column of Slate’s sexual advice. Do you have a question? Send it to Stoya and rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear how to do it,

My boyfriend and I disagree because he grew up with his beard and I refuse to sleep with him until he got rid of it. I think the beards are gross – these are dirt magnets and I can’t bear the feeling. I was once at a sex festival and I finished a meeting with a guy who was eating because the feeling of his beard against my pussy was horrible. My boyfriend says it’s his body, so it should be his. As far as I’m concerned, not if it causes me physical dissatisfaction. It should give me the last word, right?

– When you lose the beard, I will find my libido

Dear when you lose the beard, I will find my libido,

In a sense, you have the last word because you can say no to sex for any reason. Your body, your choice. But the same principle applies to your boyfriend. If he wants a beard, he has a beard. You have a good reason to want him to get rid of it: you find him uncomfortable during oral sex. But he has a good reason to want to keep it: he likes it. In the case of such a draw, it is the choice of the owner of the body. The beard remains if he wants.

Now your decision to abstain from sex can possibly win it by your side. One could call this manipulation, and maybe it is in a certain sense, but again, you have a valid reason for not wanting your bush to come into contact with its own. Could you do some sexually things anyway doesn’t Involve contact with the beard on the skin? Of course, but if things like kisses and orals are essential to your sex life, I can understand how this kind of activity would be much less attractive in the light of his facial hair.

The problem with this type of negotiation is that it may not be negotiation at all. This can lead to an impasse. And then what? If you both hold out, none of you win, in itself, because you cut a probably important part of your relationship. There can only be losers here. Maybe you wear it and he gives up and you are happy and at least he gets fucked. Maybe you never have sex again and decide to break. I encourage a kind of compromise here – maybe you can find a beard length enough to satisfy its aesthetic goals, but not if it feels terrible against your vulva. Maybe he settles for a mustache or resolves to be the first guy in history to make a cool soul patch. You should be ready to give at least a little here, because generosity is a good force to bring to the coupling and find a path to follow mutually satisfactory is what you do in relationships. If you cannot, his beard can be an irreconcilable difference.

In recent months, my husband has experienced a premature ejaculation – as arriving in one to two minutes after being hard. None of us can understand why he has this problem, because we have been married for five years and before that, our sex life was completely normal. He tried cock rings, but finding them uncomfortable, so any idea or solutions would be useful.

– Before starting

Expensive before it starts,

There are a few premature ejaculation subcategories. There is PE for life and then there was acquired PE – the latter is seen in people who had previously had no sexual problem of this nature, like your husband. The EP can have psychological roots – things like stress and anxiety can contribute, so if your husband has new stressors or changes in his life, this can explain it. As the sexuality advisor Ian Kerner said when I sent him an e-mail for a previous chronicle on this question, concerning the acquired EP: “In almost all cases, the cause is the anxiety of performance which is governed by our sympathetic nervous system which intervenes on the fight or the response in flight.” In other words, worrying about coming too fast can sometimes worsen things. And feeling guilty or shameful can lead some people to rush into sex, to exacerbate the problem.

Keep in mind that the EP can also indicate physical problems such as a hormonal problem or an enlarged prostate. When someone sees a change in sexual functioning – especially that of this grave – it is better to go see a doctor to ensure that there is no underlying health problem. Bring your husband to the urologist as quickly as possible.

Otherwise, there are many EP management methods. Material exercises and breathing can be beneficial. And then there is the Stop-Start method, which, just as it seems, implies that it penetrates as long as it can without reaching the point of no return. As he approaches, he withdraws, takes a break, then continues. He repeats it as many times as possible. If these methods do not work, sometimes a low dose of an ISRS is prescribed (because this class of drugs can delay ejaculation). A numb spray can help, as a condom can wear, although it does not respond to the deep cause of the EP acquired, and could decrease its feeling unshakable. Try all or part of all this and see this previous column for more in -depth advice on the processing of this condition.

Dear how to do it,

My wife now woman gave me the best blowjobs of my life before our marriage. The last time she gave me one was our wedding night. It was over a year ago. When I asked her questions about it, she said that she “had any more”. I have never stopped eating it, so I think it is selfish enough to no longer be willing to go to the same thing. It was something that I always liked to receive from her and I really miss it. Ideas on how I can convince her to return to the good old days?

—Heartic on a lack of head

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Dear hearts despite a lack of head,

Your wife can indeed be selfish to deny the blowjobs you love so much, but she can also have valid reasons. Right now, you just don’t know. Try to collect more information. Do not harass her with requests. Instead, explain how much your head you miss – they have been the best you have ever had, which could feel good for it – and how much an important characteristic of your sex life for you. Why is she no longer there, and is there something you can do to help him start again? It may be something you have done that turns off-maybe she doesn’t like the way you talk to her while she sucks you, or maybe you’ve held up in this way that makes her uncomfortable. It may not be at all you, but a kind of other external influences or inner voice.

If she becomes uncomfortable during these conversations, go back for a while and come back again in a few weeks / months. Underline the importance of blowjobs (but keep the drama out of the equation and avoid exaggerated terms as “hearts” to describe your relationship with his head). You should also assess whether this indicates greater problems regarding sex or communication. Is your sex life otherwise perfect? Is it fully satisfied? Understand that things like this exist in context and that your self-awareness may not be clear as you think. You can always discuss joint sex advice if you cannot get clarity from him.

The fact is that it is the right to say no to anything. It is his right to change his mind. You are not entitled to the blowjobs it has given you. You have never been. I don’t think it’s a question of “convincing” her to give you the head, I think that is an opportunity to look for more information and strengthen your communication. Once things are clearer, you must always take not for an answer, but at the very least, maybe your wife could help you find a satisfactory alternative path to your own satisfaction. Does she really think you should live the rest of your life without a pipe? The answer to this can be enlightening and helping you determine the next potential steps.

-Rich

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