DEAR ABBY: I’m a happy, decidedly single woman, with a large group of friends who are all married.
Most of us grew up together and we’ve all been like extended family for 25 years.
This year, one of the wives lost three family members in three months. It’s been devastating for her, of course, as well as for all of us as we watch her struggle to regain her footing in this new reality. I personally know the pain she lives with.
My problem is that she started accusing me of having an affair with her husband. Nothing could be further from the truth!
I’m torn between trying to remember that she’s angry and blaming her losses and being deeply insulted and angry at her.
I didn’t do anything inappropriate, nor did her husband.
I’m shocked she would think such a thing. We see each other often and I don’t know how to treat her.
— FRIEND OR FEMY IN NEW YORK
DEAR FRIEND OR ENEMY: I’m worried about your friend. Are you sure she isn’t having other emotional or marital problems besides her grief?
The fact that she is accusing you of having an affair with her husband when nothing of the sort is happening could be a clue that something is wrong…with her.
Treat her with kindness and suggest she talk to a marriage counselor if she feels something is wrong in her marriage, because if that’s true, it has nothing to do with you.
DEAR ABBY: Any suggestions on how to motivate a husband?
We have been married for 35 years. Now all he does is read, eat and sleep. I am not exaggerating.
He started reading about 15 years ago, when our boys were teenagers. He was an active parent, Boy Scout leader, baseball coach, umpire, church volunteer, earned his master’s degree, completed a high-energy exercise program, and more.
But then he discovered fantastic fan fiction, free stories on the Internet written by unpublished authors.
He now reads 16 to 18 hours a day on weekends, plus 10 hours a day during the week. He doesn’t do anything else – no exercise, no housekeeping, nothing. When I asked him if he was depressed he said no, he’s just tired and wants to relax.
He undergoes regular medical examinations; nothing abnormal there. His career is not very stressful, it’s office work.
I can’t get him to socialize and he no longer follows his friends. All he’s looking forward to is retiring in about a year, but I don’t want him to retire just to see him read more.
This makes for a very lonely marriage. I can’t motivate him to do anything.
— MOTIVATED IN THE EAST
DEAR MOTIVATED: It’s time to have a frank conversation with your husband.
Ask him what he uses the fanfiction binge to escape from. Point out that the lifestyle he has adopted is not healthy for him or your marriage. Work from there to see if a compromise would be feasible.
DEAR READERS: At sunset, the first night of Passover begins. This major Jewish holiday celebrates the most important event in Jewish history: the liberation of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt. Happy Passover to my readers who observe this important holiday. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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