Dear Eric: My eldest daughter goes through a brutal divorce.
His soon-to-Ex-Mari requests alimony and additional expenses and puts it fat across the spinner, because he thinks that she owes her because of his infidelity. She met her new boyfriend when she was still married.
It put my little child in a difficult and confusing situation.
He is 17 years old and loves his two parents. He feels that he must be faithful to his father, because his father says he is the victim. But he also recognizes that he has never seen his mother so happy. They had a controversial marriage that made her quite anxious and unhappy.
I want to help my grandson sail through this difficult period. What kind of advice can I give it?
– worried grandmother
Dear grandmother: I’m so happy that your grandson has you to help him during this period. He needs an adult of confidence nearby who can tell him things that he really needs to hear.
Things like: “It is not true that you are put in the midst of this controversial divorce” and “I know that it is difficult to hear negative things about your parents and I am sorry” and “no matter what you do, you are not unfair towards one or the other parent. They are responsible for presenting yourself and ensuring that you know that you liked unconditionally.”
Above all, remind him that he does not have to choose one side. The divorce is difficult and your son sees new sides of his parents and it will take some time to get used to it.
Robert E. Emery writes in the book “The truth about children and divorce”, “the children whose parents put them first from the start have a huge advantage over those whose parents cannot separate their feelings about their failed marriage from their feelings about the coparenality partnership that will last the rest of their lives.”
This has not happened here, but you can make sure that your grandson knows that it is a priority for you.
Although the way he is exploited by his father is very inappropriate, this offers you the opportunity to guide your grandson through an important part of growth: see his parents as humans. Like all humans, they sometimes make mistakes, they give in their worst instinct, and they can fail those they are supposed to protect. This does not make them unworthy of love.
Help your grandson develop internal borders while you defend in their name with adults in their life. This will help him have healthier relationships with his parents and with future partners.
Dear Eric: I was in contact with my ex, Yves, for about five years. Meanwhile, we were easy and we are supported.
Yves finally ghost me without explanation, although I could admit that we were not as close as we had been at the start of our relationship.
Later, a friend who is a close relative of Yves said that Yves was going out with someone named Tiffany.
The situation took an unexpected turn a few months later when Tiffany called me by asking for money. She said she needed help with the rent because Yves refused to lend her, and she decided to turn to the ex-rich friend.
When I told her that it was not my concern, she argued that, since we both went out with Yves, we should be common friends.
Yves is a great person, but should I trust Tiffany?
– Single Confus
Dear single: Oh, how I would like to be able to install a display panel in your city that is read as follows “for the love of everything that is good, dear writer, please do not give Tiffany as much as the time of day.”
Yves has a ghost after five years? Unacceptable. Cruel and immature. And then Yves told his new girlfriend to ask you for money? Where does he get the cheek? Is there a mine mine in your city?
Tiffany’s main assertion – You have to be friends because you have come out with the same person – makes no sense. And I wonder what Tiffany thinks you have in common in addition to Yves and, she hopes, money.
I think these people try to manipulate you. Don’t leave them.
Dear Eric: Regarding the letter from “Happy Family”, which was looking for a “catchy return” to relatives wondering when / if his daughter plans to get married, I suggest that the return is “why would you ask?” Put a little projector on the intrusiveness of the question.
Whatever the response of the Inquirer, a simple “huh” or “I see” ends the conversation.
– Back again
Dear return: I love it! It is a big tactic to draw a Gloria Estefan and turn around.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @ouric and register for his weekly newsletter in Rercthomas.com.
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