The joy – and awkwardness – of sober sex

The first time Steve Bennet-Martin was sober while having sex with his husband, the couple had already been together for eight years.

“It’s not every time I was drunk, or every time I was high,” Mr. Bennet-Martin, 38, said. “But there was always a little something to help alleviate the insecurities, fear and shame that I had associated with sex.”

After years of unsuccessfully trying to moderate his drinking, he began attending 12-step meetings in 2021 and has been sober ever since.

But in those early days of recovery, sex was “awkward and uncomfortable”, Mr Bennet-Martin said – even with his trusted longtime partner. “It was like I was a virgin again.”

While researchers and health officials are sounding the alarm about the negative health effects of even moderate alcohol consumption, many people are sober or abstaining from alcohol altogether. alcohol. The reduction doesn’t just affect traditional markers of health like blood pressure or cancer risk. Experts say it can alter people’s sex lives, leading to changes that may take some time to get used to, even for moderate drinkers.

“When you’re not sedated by substances and suddenly find yourself face to face with someone you want to have sex with, it can be really scary at first,” said Laura Rademacher, a licensed marriage and family therapist. in Minneapolis, which offers a sober sex course in its practice.